- My sister and I married two men who are brothers.
- It was challenging to figure out how to celebrate holidays because our families are so different.
- We eventually found a routine that pretty much works for everyone, though it's not perfect.
My sister got married in 2001, and I walked down the aisle as a 14-year-old bridesmaid with her husband's 28-year-old brother, Andy. I had a major crush on Andy, but needless to say, I didn't really exist to him then.
Six years later, we began dating and eventually married, which isn't exactly common these days. I know this because when I explain how we met ("My sister married my husband's brother"), people's eyes kind of bug out — I'm pretty sure they only hear "sisters" and "brothers" and "married" at first.
Once they process it all, they generally say something about how "easy" family gatherings must be now. The thing is, it didn't make family gatherings any easier. It actually made them tougher in some ways.
There was too much togetherness
Whenever two people marry, it's inevitable they'll have plenty of differences in how their families do things. For example, Andy's family spends a lot of time with their cousins, aunts, and uncles. Me? I rarely see my cousins or their parents. So when we got married, the many family gatherings Andy's family had were rather overwhelming to me.
My family, which consists of my mom, dad, and two sisters, gets together for the big holidays but not always for all the birthdays. As a newlywed, I felt more than a little smothered (and therefore resistant) to all that togetherness with my in-laws.
I dreaded the holidays
I even started to dread our major holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. Because Andy and I each have two siblings, that leaves one sibling on each side that's not related to both families (confusing, I know).
My middle sister lives far away, so she's rarely around for holidays. Celebrating Christmas with my in-laws, then, meant my parents would be alone. And, of course, I felt guilty about it. On the other hand, celebrating Christmas with my parents meant my in-laws would only have one of their children home for the holiday.
Naturally, we started doubling up on the holidays. So, that meant two Thanksgiving meals in one day — one meal with my in-laws and one with my family. I'm not kidding when I say I was full for days afterward one year. That's about when I put a stop to double holidays.
I didn't particularly care what holiday we spent with which family. All I knew was that I was done having two Thanksgivings and two Christmases on the same day. So, I essentially declared we'd celebrate Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with my in-laws.
I didn't really consult many other members of our families, and that understandably ruffled a few feathers. But it worked. These days, we tend to stick to this schedule, and everyone is just used to it now. And I can enjoy the holiday season a bit more without the stress of deciding who's going to celebrate where.
It's best to celebrate holidays separately
Plus, my family isn't terribly talkative and tends to choose agreeable silence if there's not much to say. My in-laws are much more talkative and tend to fill any gaps in conversation. It's difficult to get everyone together since my family tends to blend into the background because of this.
This is another reason we started to celebrate holidays separately. Our families are just too different.
Now I appreciate our differences
Family gatherings can still sometimes pose a challenge, simply because whenever we have a gathering for one side of the family, the other side is empty or nearly empty. But over the years, I've come to appreciate how close my husband's family is. I'm also thankful I put my foot down years ago on holidays to get us settled into a routine that's much more enjoyable for everyone.
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